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Best Minion Ever/Transcript
After restoring power to Liar’s Berg (Vault Hunter receives a shield from Hammerlock) (Echo communicator: INITIALIZING… SHIELD DISPLAY MODULE) Hammerlock: So, how are you enjoying Liar’s Berg? This town used to have a spectacular amount of hustle and/or bustle before its denizens fled to Sanctuary to escape Jack’s army. Most of them, anyway. Captain Flynt’s men killed anyone who stayed. Claptrap: Flynt and I had a gentlemen’s agreement in the past. I give him the loot from the bodies Jack ditches in the glacier, he promises not to torture me for hours at a time, then he does it anyway. But that ends today! We’re gonna take him out, steal my ship back, and sail to Sanctuary! Claptrap: Let’s go this way! Flynt: Here’s what’s gonna happen, Vault Hunter. My first mate Boom Bewm is gonna kill ya, Jack’s gonna pay us, and I’m gonna play hopscotch in your chest cavity! Claptrap: Be careful taking down Boom Bewm. He’s one of the ‘Ripper’ clan. As in, Fleshripper. I don’t have to tell you why they’re called that. Claptrap: They’re called that because they rip people’s flesh off. Handsome Jack: Hey! How -- ah, these pretzels suck… So, how’s your day been, buddy? We haven’t really talked much since I left you for dead. Hey, you think you’ll freeze to death out there? Nah, probably not. The bandits’ll get you first. My day? It’s been pretty good. Just bought a pony made of diamonds, because I’m rich. So, you know. That’s cool. Kay, bye. (Vault Hunter kills all the bandits in a small town closest to Liar’s Berg) Claptrap: Minion, what have you DONE?! These were human beings with lives and families and-- I'm totally kidding. SCREW those guys! Handsome Jack: I’m rackin’ my brain trying to think of a name for that diamond pony I bought. I was gonna call it ‘piss-for-brains’ in honor of you, but that just feels immature. Maybe… ‘Butt Stallion’? Nah, that’s even worse. Tell ya what, I’ll give it some more thought. (Vault Hunter kills all bandits in the next town and Claptrap lowers a bridge) Claptrap: Aaaaaand open! Handsome Jack: I should probably clarify -- the diamond horse I’ve been telling you about? It’s not a sculpture, or anything. It’s a living horse that actually happens to be made of -- actually, I’ll just go get her, Butt Stallion! Say hello. (Horse whinnies in the background) Handsome Jack: Butt Stallion says hello. (Entering Wreck of The Ice Sickle) Claptrap: It’s Boom-Bewm! AHHHHHHHHH! Boom: Light the fuses, bitches – (Title card for Boom: …and his brother Bewm) Boom: I’m ready to BLOW! (Boom Bewm killed) Claptrap: He sure said ‘boom’ a lot. Looks like he dropped a grenade mod -- be sure to equip it! Claptrap: Ooooh, you got a grenade mod! Those change the way your grenades behave – if you find the right mod, you can throw grenades that home in on targets, or spew flame, or split into a bazillion tinier grenades! They’re badass! Claptrap: Raggin’ fraggin’ locked gate! Ooh -- idea! Minion, get on that cannon! Claptrap: Just blast this gate down, but DON’T do it until I’m out of the way! Understand? If you shot the gate now, that could cause SERIOUS damage to me. So don’t do that! I’m just standing here to show you the area you should shoot AFTER I move away, which I will, once I am totally convinced you understand the instructions I am relaying to you! Do you understand? I know it’s kinda complicated, but just stick with me! When it’s okay for you to shoot this gate with the cannon, I’ll say something like, ‘SHOOT THE GATE WITH THE CANNON, NOW!” B-but that was just a test, alright? You didn’t shoot the gate when I said that, which is good. ‘SHOOT THE GATE WITH THE CANNON, NOW!’ Also another test! You’re doing me proud, minion. …Actually, I’m getting bored. Just shoot the gate now for realsies. (Vault Hunter fires the cannon at the gate while Claptrap is still there) Claptrap: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Entering The Soaring Dragon) Claptrap: So, uh -- I might have tried to stage a mutiny on Captain Flynt’s ship before the flash-freeze. Which explains why his men are currently beating the crap out of me. Right, guys? Bandit: SHUT UP! Claptrap: Okay! Flynt: So, Claptrap’s got a new friend, huh? I gotta say. I miss that little hunka junk. The noises he made when we set him on fire… brings a tear to my eye. Flynt: Captain Flynt again, asking if anyone’s seen my CL4P-TP unit. Little bastard escaped a few months back. I’ve had to use Heaton as my backup torture doll. Heaton: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Flynt: Just ain’t the same. Flynt: At the sound of Heaton screaming for his life, it will be two-thirty. Heaton: WHY?! OH GOD, WHYYYY?! Flynt: See you again at two thirty-five! Flynt: A few of your have asked me why I keep playing these pre-recorded messages on a loop. Well, I’ve got a great answer for you: a red-hot poker to the eye. Isn’t that right, Claptrap? Claptrap: IT WAS JUST A QUESTION, MISTER FLYNT!! Flynt: That’s Captain Flynt to you! Flynt: Got a proposition for you two. You and Clappy be our personal torture buddies for life, and we won’t kill ya. Think it over. Take yer time. Claptrap: Ow! Ooh! Ouch! Minion! Ow! Little help?! Ow! Claptrap: Ow! Guys, you don’t HAVE to beat me up – we can talk this through, right? Here, I’ll do it for you! "Hey Claptrap, how are you?” “Oh, I’m fine – I kinda wish you wouldn’t beat me up, though.” “Why?” “Cause it really hurts!” “ You make a good point, Claptrap, but beating you up makes US feel really good!” “I know, guys, but it makes ME feel really bad!” “But Claptrap, you’re a robot -- are you even capable of feeling pain?” “Well, uh, no, I guess I’m not.” “So, pummeling you makes us feel good, and DOESN’T hurt you, there’s no harm in us continuing to do it, right?” ...Actually, now that I’ve talked it all out. I think you guys have the moral high ground, here. Pummel away! (Vault Hunter kills all of Claptrap's attackers) Claptrap: Suck it, Flynt! My new minion’s a bonafide badass! Claptrap: Rrrrragh! Stairs! I can’t climb stairs! Let’s find another way up! Claptrap: Oooh -- a crane! Find the controls! Claptrap: I’ll wait here! Claptrap: Take your time, old pal! Standing on immobile platforms is one of my top three favorite pastimes! Right behind dancing and crying. (Vault Hunter flips crane switch) Claptrap: Ahahahhaha! I ASCEND! Claptrap: Come on out, Flynt! Your CL4P-TP unit has returned! Flynt: It’s our new torture dolls, boys! Let’s turn up the HEAT! (Title card for Captain Flynt: Burn, baby, burn) Claptrap: Oh, SPHINCTERS! I’m so sorry Captain Flynt sir! Please don’t burn me again… (Captain Flynt killed) Claptrap: BOOYAH! You’re the most fearsome warrior this glacier has ever seen! Claptrap: Alright -- now we’ve just gotta get to my ship. Claptrap: There she is! Me mighty vessel! Lower her into the water, ye salty dog! Claptrap: And now, to set sail for Sanctuary! Toot-toot! Claptrap: Let us set sail! Category:Transcripts